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There are some days you just have really big aha moments that change your whole life and your perception of who you are. I had one of those this month. It was a moment that changed my trajectory in life as well as my understanding of who I am. I think that I may have some form of ADHD.
It would certainly explain a LOT of my struggles in life. My aha moment came from listening to a snippet of a podcast on YouTube. The woman being interviewed was talking about her own struggles with ADHD and how they went undiagnosed for decades. She talked about some of the struggles she faced each day because of the symptoms of ADHD and how it impacted her life.
And all I could think was “Holy crap, that’s what I’ve dealt with my whole life!” In that one moment, I understood myself in ways I never have for more than 5 decades.
I immediately started looking at the symptoms of ADHD in women. Women often have symptoms that are different from the “classic” symptoms. And because of the societal conditioning we face, we often learn how to mask our symptoms. So, it isn’t uncommon for women to go undiagnosed until later in life.
I’m in my mid-50s and certainly haven’t been diagnosed with anything like ADHD in my life.
Symptoms of ADHD in women that I experience
ADHD typically manifests in women differently than it does in men. For me, the symptoms I’ve experienced throughout my life include:
- Feeling overwhelmed by mundane tasks like housework
- Making careless mistakes in schoolwork or work projects
- Struggles to focus on tasks when they are boring
- Problems sitting still for long periods (I can’t stand still either!)
- Having a lot of great ideas but struggling to complete them
- Getting distracted because of external noise or activity.
- Hard to start tedious jobs like returning emails, cleaning the bathroom
- Fidgets a lot
- Often talks excessively. I talk to myself out loud regularly if there is no one else around.
- Struggle to read. I often have to read a sentence 4-5 times to comprehend it because I get distracted.
- Overthink a LOT!
- I spent my life masking to the point that I lost myself.
- Often zone out when having a conversation with someone because I can’t stay focused.
- Am often impulsive
- Highly creative (most people with ADHD are)
- RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria). This means I am super-sensitive to rejection or criticism.
- I’m a night owl and have been since infancy (delayed sleep phase syndrome)
- Bad at managing money
- Masking who I really am to try and appear more “normal”. This is done to avoid rejection.
- Shut down when overwhelmed
- Always forget to send birthday or holiday cards.
- I am horrible at remembering names!
My response to what I learned
After learning more about ADHD, once I had time ot process it, I cried. I looked back at my life and just how much the symptoms I struggle with have impacted my life. There are so many people who have gotten frustrated with me and have even hated me because of things they’ve perceived me to do that they believed was intentional on my part, when in actuality, it was about my neurodivergence.
I looked at how much I struggled in school. Through elementary, middle, and high school, I struggled with many of the subjects. My dad and I butted heads many times because I often got C’s instead of A’s in my classes. I endured more than one lecture about how I could do better and wasn’t “applying myself”. But I always excelled at creative subjects, to the point that once I got past the core classes in college and could focus on music classes, I not only ended up on the Dean’s List but was also inducted into the music honor society.
My problem was being able to focus. If I sit down to read a textbook, I have to read a sentence 4-5 times just to be able to ACTUALLY read it. I cannot have any noise going on if I have to focus! It caused me to have to work so much harder than others in order to learn. The irony is that I really love to learn!
The ADHD journey begins
There’s so much to unpack in this part of my journey. I’m just starting to learn about ADHD and discover other elements that are connected with ADHD that I also struggle with (can we say delayed sleep phase syndrome?)
I will be sharing a lot more about all of this, how in a way it has made a mess of my life, how menopause has also made things more complicated. I will eventually go and get a professional diagnosis when I’m able to. Until then I will learn tools that can help me play to my strengths.
I’m a chaotic, complicated mess thanks to a brain that just isn’t functioning like what is considered normal. But then again, I never did follow a normal path, so I shouldn’t be too surprised. If I am dealing with ADHD or even autism, I don’t want to focus on what is “wrong” with me. Instead, I want to look at the strengths of having a brain that works the way it does. And I want to live a life that capitalizes on my strengths instead of trying to constantly fix my weaknesses.
